I've always been a fan of Mad Magazine's regular feature "MAD's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions", and decades ago came up with many of my "Standard Lines" in reply to the usual pleasantries that people waste their time with. Examples:Here are some other "Standard Lines" that I use:
- J. Random Person: How are you?
- Cheshire: Strange, thank you
When people say "How are you?", do you think they really want to hear about your medical problems? You're suppossed to say "OK", or (if you're from Minnesota) "Not so bad", and keep on going from there. This reply usually catches people off guard - which is, after all, the point of the exercise.
- J. Random Person: How are you?
- Cheshire: As strange as usual, thank you
This is after I've used the above phrase with someone a few times.
- J. Random Person: But you always say that!
- Cheshire: I'm strange, but consistant.
- J. Random Person: You're too kind.
- Cheshire: Just don't say what kind in public.
My grandfather always used this expression. One day I came up with this as a "snappy answer".
- J. Random Person: Why don't you get a haircut?
- Cheshire: Because if I'm going to be a long-haired, bearded, wierdo, hippy, computer phreak, I need the long hair to go with the image.
Actually, when I do get a haircut, I specifically get them to leave some hair over my ears so that it looks long for precisely this reason. It's an image thing. Look, if people are going to try to "pigeon hole" me, and try to figure out what square, little box to mentally put me in, I'm going to provide the box, paint it green, jump inside, and hand it to them. I find that once people think they have me pigeon-holed, they react more calmly towards me.
- J. Random Cool Person: What's Happening?
- Cheshire: A gerund
The word "Happenning" is a type of word called a "gerund" by English Major's. The question, after all, was: "What is 'Happenning'?", wasn't it? I'm merely answering the question - though not in the manner the person asking the question was expecting.
- J. Random Sweet Young Thing: That was sweet of you. How can I ever repay you?
- Cheshire: All I ask in return are "sexual favors". I never get them, but I ask.
Actually, this line not only got me laid once, I moved in with the woman for about three years after that.
- If those people out there in The World think that they are normal, I'd much rather they think that I'm strange.
I always point out a nearby window as I say "out there". This way, the person I'm talking to is not one of "those people" that I'm talking about. This is called "diplomacy". I usually tell people this one after they've been taken aback by the use of "Strange, thank you".
- Just a moment, let me try one more trick.
That's the set up line, usually while I'm trying one more desperate search for something in my job as a Directory Assistance operator. If I find something, I give it to them. If I don't, well, they've been set up. Now it's time for the sting:
- No, I'm sorry. As Rocky tells Bullwinkle, that trick never works.
If I don't say, "As Rocky tells Bullwinkle", then most people never get the reference. I've also borowed my brother's line for when I see a car cross three lanes of traffic to make an immediate left turn. I'ts called "The Full Bullwinkle", as he counts the lanes, "One, Two, treeee - no doubt about it, I've got to get another hat".
- That makes sense. Let's do it anyway
What's to explain? Just because things make sense, doesn't mean that people do things that way. The incongruity of "Let's do it anyway" implies we weren't going to take action in the logical way. Things aren't funny unless they are true. It's the incongruity of truths that make us laugh, so I try to come up with lines that jump people off of their ordinary tracks of thinking, and at least giggle.
- No cracks about the color of my hair. I live in Florida now, so it's sunbeached! That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
OK, so I'm getting old, and my hair is going white. That's "Platinum Blond" in some circles, and "Executive Blond" in others. And as I've just said. It's sunbleached. Don't bother me with facts.
- What can I tell ya? or, What can I say?
Actually, this means "What do you want to hear?", but I'm probabky not going to tell you what you want to hear. And I don't want to piss you off by telling you what I really want to say, so I'm going to tell you "What can I say?".
Other random things I've said, and I'd like credit for them.
- Anarchists are bullies. Once an anarchist gets beaten up, he wants a rule in place to protect him. Organized chaos is much more fun for everyone. That's why I like conferences.
- Muggles are not "non-magic folk", as taken from the Harry Potter novels. Muggles are people who do not have "Our Knowledge", whatever that knowledge might be.
Mottoes
- When in Rome, do as the British do. FAKE IT!!
- Never have adventures without breakfast, because you never know when you're getting lunch.
- You can't stop people from being stupid.
- Share The Knowledge.
Lines I've picked up from
The HitchHikers Guide to The Galaxy
that I still use often
- Don't try to out-wierd me. I get wierder things than you free in my breakfast cereal.
- It must be Thursday. I never could quite get the hang of Thursdays.
- What an incredibly stupid robot.
- My "Palm" handheld is named "Eddie, The Chipboard Computer" in honor of Eddie the Shipboard Computer (the only character in the show with an American accent).
And my newest line....
"I am not a leader.
I am a loner with people who happen to follow me."
- The Cheshire Catalyst answering a question about his
leadership position in the computer hacking communitty.